I don't know what to say or what to do.. ok leet me remember from a to z

him: hi, ngah buat ape?
me: Ngah makan kuih ye..
before i can talk further he interupted
him: eh i ada good news tau, well to me lah tak tahu pulak you
me: erm... ape?? Is it....
interupted again
him: i dah dapt surat ns tau, i masok on 9 dec pukul 9am kat tekong, i ada dapat 5 family ticket tau satu untuk ayah, satu untuk mak, satu untuk kakak kalau abg fauzie nak ikut then ade lagi satu ticket tapi i save kan satu ticket untuk u... U datang ikut kan..
me: erm..
interupted again
him: u mesti kene ikut tau.....
he went on talking but my mind was somewhere else thinking and i don't even remeber what he is talking...
him: u kene datang rumah i pagi tau coz i kene sampai tekong kul 9am, kita naik boat...
a long pause....
me: oh ok... i tot kene gather kat pasir ris then naik bus macam slalu org lain
him: oh tak... tu kalau reservist after the 2 month...
me: oh....
him: you ikut eh??? ( not a question but an order, i guess???)
me: insyaallah... haizz...
Him: Nanti Nov kita leh celebrate aniversary kita kan?
me: (thinking bout my birthday, do he remember it at all?)
him: ok lah i meet you on monday k.. kita buka luar?
me: ade duit ke??
him: (laughing) tengok dulu lah... klau tidak jumpa je..
me: ok..

then we put down the phone...

i don't know what to think.. Shoulld i be happy? Should i be sad? he has been waiting for a long time to masok ns and he is preety excited about it.. i don't know kind of scared too..yyelah banyak org kata kalau lelaki masok ns nanti berubah... ade yg cari lain ade yg dah boring ngan matair haiz... i don't know what to think... should i follow and sent him to tekong or should i not? i don't want to cry or whatever i don't know he have to go... maybe i must not think of the negative.. dulu pun dia tinggal kan i for 2 month untuk attachment kat melaka... i tink everythink should be just fine... i promise you sayang i akan setia... hope you too...

i am not satisfied with what i read a yesterday so i went back to my cousin blog and read each word carefullly... i am quite confused with what she says and i want to know but... i don't want to ask, i scared she tinks i kpo hehe, if ure reading this u must be laughing sih,but thats how i felt... she is much closer to mak and bak coz dulu she stay with them... i am not that i close, i guess... but i miss mak coz i can talk to her... about everything... even i am not that close... she is the one whom encourage me to go haji.. even when she know i don't know anything... the last time i saw her i was shocked she has diabetes, haizz.... it pains me when she has to pock that needle to her stomach and she always say jgn tengok bila mak nak cocok... and i remember how she teaches me how to cook bubur serawe and jalan2 gi ruma sedara2 yup do miss her... she is caring, but then she had a hard time staying wif my bro... which i am quite sad, misunderstanding i guess, mak kata kak radia tak suka dia... and kak radia cakap mak tak suka dia a real miscommunication and my brother was real sad when she pack her bag and disappear... mak also always update me of my cousin farah, as to what she is doing and who she is going out with... always have fun talking to her about u farah hehe... and i always says, "alah mak farah kan lawa mesti lah dia senang nak cari peganti " when she ask me where my cousin farah always get her guys and then we laugh... haha but that's tthe fact... My cousin farah is a preety girl... cantik, tinggi lampai very understanding and always smile... but to bad guys she is emotionally attached to caca ,hehe i remember his name is zul but prefer to call him caca hehe. i have always know their relationship will work out coz she really loves him... dorang macam pinang dibelah dua hehe can't wait to makan nasi minyak dorang... best wishes to them.. ingat nak gi balik canada jgn lupa oleh2 for me hehe... well one hell of a day with emotional roller coaster and what shit i lost my precious thumdrive... got to save money to buy new one which i don't know when i will get one... haizzz... bad karma... gtg


mak and faizal


my beautiful cousin farah


something for her...

today i've blog many times.... not sure of how i felt i am quite depressed then suddently my my cousin msn me and say that my dad called her.. and maybe meeting themm on 15 or 16... oh i am so excited sih... but i am scared do he want to meet me or will i be the menyebok je when i follow her to meet them? oh god... i am confused... should i go??? or ...... haiz....

the latest photo of elysa umairah.... She made me forget about my sadness... especially when she smile... cute... my mum say she look like me hehe tak kan lah ... i am not that white sih.. hehe

here a short thanks note for you cousins...

i really appreciate your blog entry, it really mean alot to me... gosh i felt like crying sih... but i can't coz i am in public yup i am in class... i have been through so much with my family... everyone seems to hate each other and i don't even remember anything pleasant about them first start with the divorce and then i can't meet my own blood anymore... my grandpa pass away and everyone whom is seems to be siblings became strangers and then my step father family seems so perfect but it is totally argg... frustating... they tend to be good infront of people but they have so many deep dark secret then my uncle and all that and every body problems became my problems because they will all talk to me about it an d make me bacame the middle man... idiot i hate it... then it seems that everybody that is close to mee seems to dift apart so far away. Then came the family quarrel not only my mum side but both... no happy family renuion or whatever... i seems to hate everyone and when i do my own soul searching i don't even remember as to why do i hate them and what had cause the hateness in my heart... i have hated too many people till i lost myself too much... it's been hard life... people say i change but one but alot of them they say that i've change alot since i came back but the trust is i am lost in my own feelings and thought i miss the closeness... yup i received a tight slap just that tuesday for speaking my mind and now i am totally confused as to why.. yup nowadays i do say sorry to everyone even i know it's not my fault coz they always make it feels like it is my fault and i am really confused about me and my feelings that i don't even know when to get angry... so i made up my mind let everything taht have past go and just start a new which is kindda hard right know... every one seems to have their own expectation of me and i have to live up to their expectation... they all seems to know what i am how i behave how i feels everytime which makes me so confused as to how i really feels... honey... i love for your feelings coz we both know how we actually feels rite wawa... we are suppose to be close but yet we are drifted apart well... thanks ones more wawa and a big thanks to my guy coz he really always help me and advise me whenever it needs... love u lotsss... both of you...

here is what my closest person have to say...
Dear Cousin,

I pray that both you and your family are in the best of health. I read your blog and am very sorry for what that had recently took place. I hope that everything will be fine. Amin.


Im happy that you tagged me that particular message. I'm glad that you still remember me and that you still do read my blog to know what's happening in my life. At least I know you care.

Yes, I received a call from your father after so many years of his disappearance. I couldn't even remember when was the last time I saw him what more conversations we ever had. As you have read from my entry, he asked me how was I doing. I guess Mak was the one who gave him my number. Felt very touched when he called. Almost couldn't believe that I'm actually talking to him. I thought someone was playing a prank on me but these kind of things are not subjects to be joking about.

I remember you telling me that you only had one picture of him left. Had the intention to look into the cupboard full of albums and siphon for photographs of your dad and for you. Thing is that I don't have the time yet. Maybe we should get together one day and do it. Sometime soon...But please, don't be disappointed if we can't find any. At least we tried.. And if not,we will try to find pictures from other relatives.

This is a promise.

I somehow understand the feeling of loss that you have been carrying with you all these while.. because someone close left without leaving a trail but just small pieces of puzzle which is almost impossible to complete.

Remember those times we spent together?
Going back to your house everyday after school. You coming over to sleep or play. Having our meals together. Going everywhere together. Remember how Mak really took care of us?

I really miss those times.
Growing up made both of us go seperate ways but the bond and love we developed over the years spent together would never be lost.
I still love you the way i did 10 years back.

I hope that one day, we can break this tension our family is having. I want to bring everyone back together. I want to spend raya with my family, your family .. Mak and Bak.
Things have been so complicated.

There is so much to be done but so little that we can do.

I wish you all the best.
Do call me if you need someone to talk to.

With lots of love,
Wawa.

some pics for your view...